Ashley’s Writer Clearly Lazy – Weekend in Review

Hopslam Steamed, Wish to Wipe Clean Memory

HOPSLAM– Ashley’s Hopslam struggled and strained with only nine skaters Saturday night, dropping one to the Cleveland Steamers 0-2. “They really crapped all over us,” noted Browning Chestwipe, Hopslam’s interim coach. “Butt, I don’t see that as a bad thing… necessarily.”

Ruination’s Johnson Stretches Farther

RUINATION– Ashley’s Ruination topped the Depot Town 5-3 Saturday, featuring an empty net insurance goal from forward Matt Johnson. “I just threw it out there to see how far it would go,” said Johnson. His aim true, Johnson enjoyed reaching the net twice in the same night, something fewer players can accomplish despite performance enhancements and braggadocio.

Aventinus Leaves Behind Goaldiggers

AVENTINUS– In an explosive second period, Ashley’s Aventinus finally recognized that Goaldiggin’ you-know-what, dropping her 5-3 Sunday. “There was a lot of shouting and name-calling,” said GM Mark Woods. “There may have been some pushing and shoving, but it was all for the best.” Family and friends reportedly cheered Aventinus on, saying the team is “too good for that Goaldigger,” and could “do much better.” Aventinus claims that it will probably lie low for awhile, but will be looking for a team that can “love me for me.”