Category: Hopslam

Updates specific to Ashley’s Hopslam team

Ashley’s Writer Clearly Lazy – Weekend in Review

Hopslam Steamed, Wish to Wipe Clean Memory HOPSLAM– Ashley’s Hopslam struggled and strained with only nine skaters Saturday night, dropping one to the Cleveland Steamers 0-2. “They really crapped all over us,” noted Browning Chestwipe, Hopslam’s interim coach. “Butt, I…

Scientific Paper Seeks “Schedule of God”

ANN ARBOR– The University of Michigan made headlines over the weekend when theoretical physicist David Winn reported new findings regarding the origin of a scheduling phenomenon known in scientific circles as “time zero,” or in lay men’s terms “getting hosed…

Colis Called, Recalled

ANN ARBOR– Once among the giants of D1 hockey, the weary and well-traveled Tom Colis, having spent a number of seasons in D2 hockey, returned to “the Show” Sunday to help Hopslam to 1-1 tie against the Cleveland Steamers. A…

Moose Most Hated of Archie Characters

ANN ARBOR– Ashley’s Hosplam dropped their first game of the season Tuesday, losing 4-5 to Moose. The loss prompted a heated discussion on the character of Moose (formally known as Marmaduke ‘Moose’ Mason). The consensus reached included calling Moose the…

AshleysGate Exposed!

ANN ARBOR– In a shocking development early Monday, reports claim the Ashley’s Ruination-Hopslam rivalry game was in fact a staged marketing ploy from none other than the Anheuser-Busch Brewing Company and the Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar. Emails thought…

Message Sent Lao and Clear

MANILA– A blockbuster deal was signed, sealed, and delivered late Tuesday night following Hopslam’s loss to Cubs AC, dealing winger Kevin Lao to Fightin’ Lip-Syncers of the Manila Vanilla Hockey League (MVHL). Sources say this move was sent as a…

Prohibition Sweeps Across Beer League

ANN ARBOR– Conservative groups cheered as the United Beer League Association (UBLA) passed into law as part of the Hockey Constitution an amendment prohibiting┬áthe “consumption of wine and spirits, beer and any curious liquors” for “medicinal, recreational, or any other…