Games Pile Up

RUINATION– Ruination lost 3-8 Thursday night, prompting defenseman Sean Payeur to lead the entire team in yogic breathing exercises to help the team “find their center.” GM Mark Woods praised Payeur, calling him “the voice of calm in the hockey din.”

OBERON– Ashley’s Oberon dropped its first game Saturday night 0-5 to Thompson’s Pizza. Despite still being 3-1 and leading the league in points, critics were quick to say that they prefer “pizza over beer” in an obvious dig at the team. It was later discovered that the source was in fact speaking literally, not realizing that Oberon is a beer distributed by Bell’s Brewery in Kalamazoo, MI.

HOPSLAM– Ashley’s Hopslam lost 3-4 to Sasquatch in what many were calling the “revenge game,” following Sasquatch’s early exit in the playoffs last season. “Now they know who they’re messing with,” said an unidentified fan in the crowd. Sources agreed, noting that the very fabric of the universe was now in balance because of this victory, in spite of Andrew Thompson’s goal and assist and clear lack of regard for the integrity of the space-time continuum. Sources also noted that anyone who actually gets this joke clearly reads too much about quantum physics and philosophy, or watched too much Star Trek: The Next Generation back in the 90s.

AVENTINUS– Forwards Tom Colis, Scott Bray, and Nick Lamb each scored two goals, while Bray and Lamb added 3 assists each in the 6-1 win over the Ice Cats Sunday. However, Ken Coleman stole the show, when he accidentally took forward Dave Winn’s left-handed stick, playing the entire game with the wrong stick (Coleman shoots right). However, he still managed to add to his team leading penalty minutes.