Hockey Pucks Deflated Before Game, Re-Vulcanized

RUINATION– Forward Mark Woods played well enough in his return to the B-League, with five good-quality shots on goal, solid back checking, and an overall positive attitude despite the 1-2 loss to Trend Millwork Monday night. Dubbed the “worst winger on the team,” though said as a positive “when considering the talent” of the Ruination squad, Woods said he felt like the “ugliest girl in the Miss Universe competition– not too shabby!” The pageant airs live Sunday January 25th on NBC.

OBERON– Zebadiah Breuckman and John Vella each scored a goal in the 2-1 win over Yaks C Tuesday night, maintaining the stalemate argument regarding the Old v New Testament. “The joke would have been funny,” said a local pastor, “if Zebadiah was a book in the Old Testament vis-a-vis The Book of John in the New Testament.” The pastor noted that the closest equivalent was the prophetic books of Zechariah or Zephaniah, and that comedic sports writers “ought to read their Bibles more often.”

HOPSLAM– Hopslam suffered its fourth loss in a row, losing to St. Anky beer 2-4 Tuesday night. Looking for answers, teammates openly wondered where center Scott Coates has been, noting his 3-game absence. “Scotty has been a healthy scratch,” explained GM Mark Woods, though sources close to his crotch suggest Coates may have an unhealthy scratch.

AVENTINUS– Goaltender Chris Sutton returned from a minor league stint in Mexico to help Aventinus to a 2-2 tie Wednesday night. Grass Hockey– or “futbol” as the locals call it– is considered a Winter sport in Mexico, where temperatures can dip down into the 60s on a cold January night. “We’re happy to have Chris back,” said GM Mark Woods, citing that the 4 million Pecos ransom (roughly $50 dollars US or 2 BitCoins) was “well worth it.”