Author: ashleyadmin

Goalie Gets Great Night’s Rest

BELLEVUE– Goaltender Jeff Phillion reportedly got “eight solid [hours]” of sleep Thursday night, interrupted only by a text from teammate Matt Okray at 945pm asking if he was playing in Hopslam’s 7-1 win over Gates at Yost Ice Arena. “What…

Travel Ban Lifted for Defensemen

ANN ARBOR– Following the five-judge panel decision to lift the travel ban for defenseman in the offensive zone, Aventinus player Al Juback took full advantage Wednesday in the team’s 2-6 loss to Yeti. “He was quite the traveling wilbury,” said…

Riley Making Good on Guarantee

ANN ARBOR– Hopslam continued its winning streak Tuesday in its 5-2 win over the Yaks,¬†adding legitmacy to defenseman Alex Riley’s surprising guarantee of a championship this season. “I am personally guaranteeing a championship this season,” Riley boldly stated upon returning…

Playing Hockey Slips in Polls

ANN ARBOR– A recent Pew Research Center poll showed “playing hockey” dropped slightly in the rankings Sunday following Hopslam’s Saturday night forfeiture to Sasquatch. “Playing hockey ain’t what she used to be,” sang several older men with hockey jerseys stained…

Fifth and Sixth Seal of Apocalypse Opened

ANN ARBOR– Biblical eschatologists concluded that the “fifth and sixth seal” have been opened, inching mankind ever closer to the Apocalypse written in the Book of Revelation, sources reported Thursday following Hopslam’s 7-3 win over Ruination and the recent presidential…

Holiday Radio Station Takes Lead

DETROIT– Local radio station WNIC 100.3 FM announced Tuesday that it is actually playing Christmas music for the 2017 holiday season, deciding to get a 13-month jump ahead of any rival stations. “We’ll be playing¬†It’s the Most Wonderful Time of…