Category: Hopslam

Updates specific to Ashley’s Hopslam team

Legend of Bernie Vance Grows

ANN ARBOR– Mercurial hockey legend Bernard “Bernie” Vance was said to have appeared in the Winter 2017 playoffs, but was noticeably absent in the championship celebration following Hopslam’s 3-2 victory Monday night. “I didn’t even see him leave,” said defenseman…

Hopslam Wins In Accordance with Prophecy

ANN ARBOR– According to the ancient text known in academic circles as the Riley Codex, Hopslam was guaranteed a championship for the Winter 2017 season. In fact, the Ashley’s team defeated the Ice Men 3-2 in Game 2 of the…

El Neto Signed for Hopslam

CANCUN– VP of Operations Chris Sutton announced Thursday from his hotel in Cancun that Mexico’s winningest goaltender and national treasure Rico “El Neto” Winowiecko has been signed in time for Hopslam’s championship series opener Saturday night against the Ice Men.…

Participation Trophy Anticipated

RUINATION– Ruination fell to Black Ops 8-9 Saturday evening, stretching their championship slump to five seasons. “I only have myself to blame,” said GM Mark Woods. “Mostly because hardly anyone ever showed up this season.” Explained¬†Woods: “Apparently, things like spending…

Goalie Gets Great Night’s Rest

BELLEVUE– Goaltender Jeff Phillion reportedly got “eight solid [hours]” of sleep Thursday night, interrupted only by a text from teammate Matt Okray at 945pm asking if he was playing in Hopslam’s 7-1 win over Gates at Yost Ice Arena. “What…

Riley Making Good on Guarantee

ANN ARBOR– Hopslam continued its winning streak Tuesday in its 5-2 win over the Yaks,¬†adding legitmacy to defenseman Alex Riley’s surprising guarantee of a championship this season. “I am personally guaranteeing a championship this season,” Riley boldly stated upon returning…

Playing Hockey Slips in Polls

ANN ARBOR– A recent Pew Research Center poll showed “playing hockey” dropped slightly in the rankings Sunday following Hopslam’s Saturday night forfeiture to Sasquatch. “Playing hockey ain’t what she used to be,” sang several older men with hockey jerseys stained…