Category: Hopslam

Updates specific to Ashley’s Hopslam team

Fifth and Sixth Seal of Apocalypse Opened

ANN ARBOR– Biblical eschatologists concluded that the “fifth and sixth seal” have been opened, inching mankind ever closer to the Apocalypse written in the Book of Revelation, sources reported Thursday following Hopslam’s 7-3 win over Ruination and the recent presidential…

Holiday Radio Station Takes Lead

DETROIT– Local radio station WNIC 100.3 FM announced Tuesday that it is actually playing Christmas music for the 2017 holiday season, deciding to get a 13-month jump ahead of any rival stations. “We’ll be playing It’s the Most Wonderful Time of…

Winowiecki Quick to Quidditch

ORLANDO– Richard “Ricky” Winowiecki, star defenseman for Ashley’s Hopslam, announced Wednesday following Hopslam 3-1 win over the WT Killer Bees that he will be joining the Orlando Potter-mouths of the Nation Quidditch League (NQL). “We’re sho ec-schited,” said league president…

Stand-Up Comic Tries Out New Hockey Material

LIVONIA-Up and coming stand-up comedian Jake “the Fake” Pierson was inspired by Ashley’s Hopslam and Ruination Tuesday night, despite the team’s 2-5 loss to the Ice Dogs and 3-6 loss to the Ice-o-Topes C. “I’ve added about 10 minutes of…

Bradshaw’s Warning Clearly Ignored

ANN ARBOR– Often seen as more of a parody than a prophet, Hall of Fame quarterback Terry Bradshaw was once again ignored regarding his message of the shingles virus, with disastrous consequences, including a 2-3 loss for Hopslam Saturday night.…

Newbies Get Forrest Gump Treatment

ANN ARBOR– Hopslam newcomers Brendan Kennedy, Leo Betz, and Griffen Munzel were subjected to “Forrest Gump” hazing in Tuesday’s 2-2 tie with the Yaks. “This line’s taken,” said an unnamed grubby Alabama schoolboy, possibly Bobby Boy Brock. “Taken,” said another…

Ashley’s Clothing Store Offers Ties

ANN ARBOR– Ashley’s Clothing Store announced early Thursday that it now offers a new clothing option– ties! “We’re happy to announce that we have all the ties you need,” said haberdasher Mark Woods. The 5-5 collection features ties from Ruination…