ANN ARBOR– Beloved children’s author Dr. Seuss urged Aventinus on Wednesday night in its match-up with the Yaks D2 team, but could only inspire them to a 0-0 tie. “The buzzer creeps, the buzzer beeps, but just before, will you…
Category: Aventinus
Updates specific to Ashley’s Aventinus team
Feeney Teaches Hockey Fundamentals, Dance
ANN ARBOR– Following Aventinus’s 3-3 tie with Mott FK Wednesday night, goaltender Austin Feeney helped teammates by showing them the fundamentals of footwork and stick-handling, and by extension, the joy of dance. “It was a good game, but we could…
Ashley’s Writer Clearly Lazy – Weekend in Review
Hopslam Steamed, Wish to Wipe Clean Memory HOPSLAM– Ashley’s Hopslam struggled and strained with only nine skaters Saturday night, dropping one to the Cleveland Steamers 0-2. “They really crapped all over us,” noted Browning Chestwipe, Hopslam’s interim coach. “Butt, I…
Connor’s New Self-Help Book Boosts Esteem
ANN ARBOR– To prove the point, self-help guru Bruce Connor joined the struggling Ashley’s Aventinus team to put his program to the test. Following the recent publication of his 30th self-help book, this one focusing on hockey strategy and self-esteem,…
Scientific Paper Seeks “Schedule of God”
ANN ARBOR– The University of Michigan made headlines over the weekend when theoretical physicist David Winn reported new findings regarding the origin of a scheduling phenomenon known in scientific circles as “time zero,” or in lay men’s terms “getting hosed…
Winn For Loss
ANN ARBOR– Center Dave Winn has been implicated in a point-shaving scandal directly tied to the 0-4 loss suffered by Ashley’s Aventinus in their playoff match-up with the Goaldiggers Tuesday night. “Everyone knows Dave is the go to guy for…
Ferguson Uses Goat Stem Cells to Cure ACL Tear
ANN ARBOR– Forward Dave Ferguson underwent an experimental procedure to heal his torn ACL early last month, allowing him to return to Aventinus for the summer season in what doctors are calling “a medical marvel.” “I had heard that UM…