League Proposes ‘No Tuck’ Rule

ANN ARBOR– Following Ruination’s 11-3 victory over the Ice-o-topes Saturday, league officials announced a proposed rule change generally known as the “no tuck” rule. “This is an outrage,” said players and fans regarding the announcement. Calling the rule “potentially sexist,”…

Ashley’s Weekend Preview

Ashley’s Hockey has a full compliment of games this weekend. Among the more exciting storylines to follow will include: Hopslam— The Hopslammers take on the Cleveland Steamers while asking: “What kind of crap is this?” Ruination— The Ghost of Hockey…

Millennial Sports Writer Canned

ANN ARBOR– Ashley’s sports reporter Asher Moore was reportedly fired from the Ashleys News Network’s sports division late Wednesday follow what editors have called an “inability to describe” following Aventinus’ 7-6 win over Mott FK. “It’s almost as if he…

Ricky Steamboats Dragons and All That Jazz

ANN ARBOR– Forward Ricky Winowiecki scored the go-ahead goal with just minutes left as Ashley’s Ruination defeated the Dragons 4-3 Tuesday night. The goal was especially satisfying for Winowowiecki, who overcame a 10-minute misconduct and a hostile home crowd to score the…

Wise Woods Mentors Younger Players

ANN ARBOR– Despite the 2-6 loss to Depot Town Saturday, Ruination teammates– particularly the younger players– gained from the benefit of hard-fought wisdom from defenseman Mark Woods, albeit on most other things unrelated to hockey. “Remember, women are most attracted…