ANN ARBOR– Following Aventinus’s 3-3 tie with Mott FK Wednesday night, goaltender Austin Feeney helped teammates by showing them the fundamentals of footwork and stick-handling, and by extension, the joy of dance. “It was a good game, but we could…
Stunning Ruination Loss All Fans Can Think About
ANN ARBOR– Fans have been talking of little else following the unlikely 3-7 Ruination loss at the hands of Mott C Men Saturday night. “I just can’t believe it!” exclaimed a fan in shock. “This is huge!” Mott C fans…
Spoiler Alert! Lopez to Leave Ashley’s
ANN ARBOR–Fans of Ashley’s Hockey, Michigan’s top-rated hockey-related drama, were shocked to discover Shawn Lopez (who plays “Slopes” on the show) will be leaving this week. “It was tough writing him out of the show so quickly,” admitted head writer…
Ashley’s Writer Clearly Lazy – Weekend in Review
Hopslam Steamed, Wish to Wipe Clean Memory HOPSLAM– Ashley’s Hopslam struggled and strained with only nine skaters Saturday night, dropping one to the Cleveland Steamers 0-2. “They really crapped all over us,” noted Browning Chestwipe, Hopslam’s interim coach. “Butt, I…
Connor’s New Self-Help Book Boosts Esteem
ANN ARBOR– To prove the point, self-help guru Bruce Connor joined the struggling Ashley’s Aventinus team to put his program to the test. Following the recent publication of his 30th self-help book, this one focusing on hockey strategy and self-esteem,…
Scientific Paper Seeks “Schedule of God”
ANN ARBOR– The University of Michigan made headlines over the weekend when theoretical physicist David Winn reported new findings regarding the origin of a scheduling phenomenon known in scientific circles as “time zero,” or in lay men’s terms “getting hosed…